My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
