My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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