You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
