I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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