I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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