Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
