I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize