Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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