You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
