I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
