It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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