Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
