come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
