I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
