he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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