Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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