wakey wakey hands off snakey
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just googled if crying burns calories
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
