Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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