I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
