Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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