How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
