i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
