my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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