Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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