i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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