I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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