If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
