At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
