She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
God, I missed his penis.
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