they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
