she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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