Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
