ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Best friends brother. Beat that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
