She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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