The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
