I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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