I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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