I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
