Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
