Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
