Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
