I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
