I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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