youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
