Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
