Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Is Oprah even human
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
