The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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