i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I will pee on everything he values.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
