You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
