3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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