god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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