I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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