there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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