I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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