Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
