Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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