Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
