I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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