I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
