When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
